You guys.
You guys, you guys, you guys…You GUYS. This is it: The ultimate, most fantastic, most needed, most rewarding DIY recipe on this here humble blog ever to be created in the natural hippie world of crunchy granola parents. This recipe cannot be beat. I am bouncing up and down with tears of joy in my eyes. I am so over-the-moon excited to share this life-changing tutorial with you.
Wow. I need to calm down, right?
You may be asking yourself, “Why is this freakish woman so pumped-up about a DIY recipe?” (You probably can’t tell by my writing, but I am actually typing this post with jazz hands. Yes, Jazz. Hands. I’m THAT JAZZED.)
And I’ll tell you why:
For the first time in over three years (since the blessed day my little C was born), I finally feel rested.
Nay, more than rested, I feel buoyed up with energy and zest. I swear I have sparkles twinkling out of my eyes because I’m so awake! I am honest-to-goodness REFRESHED for the first time since those 31 hours of labor that brought my wonderfully determined (yet committed NON-sleeper) first child into the world.
I found the secret.
The secret to getting my children to SLEEP.
Look, I like natural living. And I’ve tried every natural remedy in the book: Cherry juice, essential oils, nutrient dense foods, massage, chiropractic, singing, bed-time routines, Epsom salt baths, more sunshine, more you-name-it-I’ve-tried-it. Having a discussion about my sleeping woes with any like-minded natural friend was exhausting as they generously tried to offer all their advice that I had already tried. (You can only say, “yeah, that didn’t work either” so many times before you feel like a complete jerk.)
My kids have just never been good sleepers. Which is okay, because they are pretty much perfect in every other way, so I don’t feel bad… just tired.
But now with my brand spankin’ new recipe that’s all changed. Say it with me:
Homemade Tranquilizer!
Listen, I know the word “tranquilizer” summons traumatizing images and stories like misunderstood cougars who die after a shopping spree at a mall. And I’m not suggesting you need to invest in a blow gun and some darts to clandestinely take your precious ones out when they least expect it… unless you have a really stubborn child, of course. Nope, instead I’ve chosen the most innocent and unsuspecting vehicle to deliver a natural, non-toxic kick in the pants to knock your kids right out… all with no side effects! They get to sleep. You get to rest. It’s a win for everyone!
After all, when your kids are always on the go… go… go….
Before you know it, Mom and Dad, are at their wits ends. And that’s when bad things happen.
What makes these gummies so special?
Special ingredients, of course. When you use commercial tranquilizers full of toxic chemicals to zap your kids into complacent unconsciousness, you get drugged-up zombies with a side of major parental shame. BUT when you use only the best, natural, totally organic, pastured-raised, and slightly magical ingredients to create wholesome, nutrient-dense fruit snacks that just happen to turn your babes into sleeping beauties, you have NO GUILT lingering while you romp away or finally catch some zzzz’s of your own.
Eeek! I’m pulling out the jazz hands again!
So are you ready to arm yourself with this hippy-happy natural tranquilizer? Good!
All Natural Homemade Organic Tranquilizer Gummies for Children
Ingredients:
2 Cups of Grass-fed Unicorn Blood (Grass-fed will give you best results, but in a pinch you could use this.)
3.14 drops of Packun Flower Essential Oil (Also known as the “Piranha Plant.” Looks like this.)
3 Pastured Raised Centaur Eggs (If you can’t find pastured raised, try buying your own Centaur for highest quality.)
A Pinch of Cold-Pressed Fairy Dust (I prefer locally harvested fairy dust, but if you must you can buy it online here.)
A Single Tear Drop from a Mourning Yogi (Note: If you harm the Yogi to produce the tear it won’t work. Try telling him or her a sad story about how tired you are instead.)
Directions:
1. In a small cast iron cauldron (no teflon, please!), poor the Unicorn’s blood while gently humming the “Backpack” song in the key of C Major. Wait until the blood is boiling, a natural response to hearing anyone sing the Backpack song.
Note: If you are opting for the “meat” version of the recipe… which isn’t really as healthy, but I’ll try not to judge you…. add 2 cups of distilled water to the flesh while singing the “Map” song. If you sing it loudly enough at least 46 times you’ll be amazed as your meat transforms into blood. Once this happens you can follow the blood directions above.
2. Once the Unicorn blood is boiling, gently mix in the piranha plant essential oils using your left pinky finger to swirl it in. Don’t swirl too much or the oils will bite your finger off.
3. Crack 2 of the Centaur eggs and whisk with a golden whisk. Yes, it must be gold. Don’t ask why.
4. Take the third egg and throw it over your left shoulder while whistling an obscure song from the 70’s. (I would tell you which one, but then it wouldn’t be obscure, would it?)
5. Add the Fairy Dust and the Yogi Tear at the EXACT same time. It must be exact or you will die. Safety first, my friends.
6. Take the mixture on an hour long hike while traveling North-East at a pace of precisely 2 miles per hour. For best results, hold the heavy cast iron cauldron over you head to let the midday sun provide solar power for increased effectiveness.
7. Finally, pour mixture into your chosen gummy molds (these mustache ones are just so cute! Don’t you think!) and place in the fridge for precisely 47 seconds.
That’s it! You are now armed prepared with the safest children’s’ tranquilizer ever to make the rounds of Pinterest.
Storage and Use:
Store your gummies at room temperature for up to 2 weeks.
Sneak you kid 2 – 3 gummies anytime you need a nice 4 hour “me party.” It’s safe to give up to 6 gummies in one day which should provide a full day of child-free parenting!
Warning: DO NOT let your child consume more than 6 gummies in any 24 hour period. Eating too many gummies can turn your child into a troll. Don’t ask me how I know.
And if that recipe wasn’t awesome enough…
I’m working on my follow-up post: All Natural Homemade Organic Tranquilizer GUNNIES! Because, boy, if your kid has a lot of energy, getting him to slow down to eat some gummies can be HARD. Stay tuned to learn how to make your own homemade tranquilizer blow dart system using a sharpened dragon claw and troll hair (free-range, of course)!
Are those jazz hands I see?! I thought so.
*Important Note for the Internet Trolls: This is a joke. I’m still as tired as I ever was, loving my children all day and all night long without the use of tranquilizers… homemade or not. Of course, if I could just get my hands on some Unicorn blood that might change…
#sotired
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